Tuesday, April 7, 2009

You have to start somewhere

Journaling isn't something I do - not because I wouldn't be good at it, it's just that I am lazy when it comes to that kind of thing.  Like going to the gym... it seems like a really good idea AND I want to go.... I just don't.  I mean, I went for a while - my body never changed so I stopped going.  Like blogging or journalling or whatever it is that I am doing right now at this keyboard.  I started one, some myspace thing, with the dreams of someone reading it and thinking I was so funny that their uncle, who runs NBC should send the jet for me.  Right away.  Never happened.

So this is my sitcom.  It's my place to rant.  No, I am not trying to be controversial, at least not yet.  I make no promises.  

Like many of the people in this country, or world I presume, I am hitting the financial hardship portion of my life's journey.  Many an hour I have spent mulling over the choices I have made with regards to money.  "Did I need that flat panel TV?, is it entirely necessary that I have 475 channels of cable, even though I watch 4 them?"  - typical crap one guesses.  It was pointed out to me today by a very wise friend of mine that rather than judge myself for the choices I have made, just make different ones starting now.  This is a brilliant strategy!  Like a battered wife, I too am tired of walking into the punches of my own financial misgivings.  Fingers crossed.

The one good news item which may seem like a bad news item, but since it's so big I can not allow it on the bad list, is that I own a home.  This is a feat that I never considered I would achieve, so for that I am very proud.  I have accomplished this while being self employed, no less, so in the realm of self pride, this one ranks high.  I know I know, things were going so well for me in my self-judgement - but alas I have to give myself at least a little credit.  Oh, speaking of credit....

I got another letter in the mail today saying that one of my credit accounts was closed.  I have to assume it was one I don't use or have a balance on because there was no mention of what I owed them.  This is so frustrating for me AND a complete relief all at once.  On the one hand I MAY need access to borrowed money if things with work are slow.  On the other hand, let's say the left one, I am completely grateful that someone is watching out for me in credit never-never land making sure my ass doesn't have the ability to charge a motorcycle on the first warm New England day of the year.  Who am I kidding, it will never be warm here again!

I found out that my therapist and her new husband took the trip of my lifetime for their honeymoon.  They rode a motorcycle around the world.  Yeah.  The friggin' world!   I have this idea that if my therapist weren't my therapist, she and I would be "besties" and shop and braid each-other's hair when we have sleep-overs.  Certainly she would cringe at the notion, but this is my blog, so braid we will.  Over my lifetime, a short 39 years, 5 months and 8 days or so, I have met so few people who get the motorcycle thing like I do.  I can't believe that she is there, sitting across from me every tuesday, potentially drifting off to day dream land thinking about riding through checkpoints at the Turkish border.  Damn her and her need for professional boundaries.  Doesn't she know how rare we are!  I better be cured soon so I can show her my French Twist skills and motorcycle pictures.  This is harder than I thought.  (therapist - if you read this, please call me before you sign the protection order - I am trying to be funny.... it was, after all, your idea!)

Being a gay - there are, I have learned, certain things that are difficult for people to digest about my past when they learn them.  One is, that I ride motorcycles and do so because I enjoy it - not because I think it makes me less gay.  I have a theory that some of my peers talk sports because of some similar notion, but that is another topic.  Another thing that, upon learning, people find strange is that I was married.  First question, every time, "Did she get the green card?"   She wasn't an illegal.   The story of how I ended up married is for another day - but I will say this....  I married someone with whom I loved very dearly at the time.  She was what I needed then and, I have to assume, I was what she needed at that time too.  It was not her choice to marry someone who was about to come out of the closet.  There were a lot of mitigating factors to our eventual split, one of which was my decision to face something that I thought of as too daunting to ever think about, never mind discuss.  The rest is personal and mostly her business - but we don't hate one another.  She is happy, married and has two beautiful children.  Her husband is even straight, so good for her!

For now - I am out like a fat chick in dodge-ball.  Laters!


Erin said...

well,said. You are a smart person and the sky is the limit with you so, get doing what makes you happy.

Lynda Lou said...

I am honored to have been on a motorcycle with you AND a guest at your wedding. I am also thrilled to be part of your life now. It's not your preferences or choices that make me love you, it's you.

Heidi said...

Michael, I love it! You could be the most honest person I know. I love how you see through the toughest situations and see the light. I miss you! COME BACK!